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Jokes from the Catskills

  * A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, 'Are you
 comfortable? '
 The man says, 'I make a good living.'

      

  * I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to
 the airport.

  

  * What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making
 love? 'Honey, I'm home!'

  

  * Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
 The thief spends less than my wife did.

  

  * We always hold hands.
 If I let go, she shops.

  

  * My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding
 night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

  

  * My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
 My wife called it the Dead Sea ..

  

  * I was just in London ; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm
 still confused.
 When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go
 to bed, I feel hungry.

  

  * The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
 The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor
 gave him another six months.

  

  * The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, 'Mrs. Cohen, your check came
 back.'
 Mrs. Cohen answered, 'So did my arthritis!'

  

  * Doctor: 'You'll live to be 60!' 

  Patient: 'I AM 60!' 

  Doctor: 'See! What did I tell you?'

  

  * A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
 The man asks, 'Doc, how do I stand? ' 

  The doctor says, 'That's what puzzles me!'

  

  * Patient: 'I have a ringing in my ears. ' 

  Doctor: 'Don't answer!'

  

  * A drunk was in front of a judge.
 The judge says, 'You've been brought here for
 drinking.  

  The drunk says 'Okay, let's get started.

  

  1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish
 women like Chinese food so much.
 The study revealed that this is due to the
 fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

  

  2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
 In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not
 considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

  

  3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? 

      A: Alcohol interferes with their
 suffering.

  

  4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror
 movie? 

     
 A:
 It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes.'


   5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? 

        A: They never let anyone finish a sentence! .

  

  6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? 

       A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

  

  7. A man called his mother in Florida, 'Mom, how are you?' '

  Not too good,' said the mother. 'I've been very weak. ' 

  The son said, 'Why are you so weak?' 

  She said, 'Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.' 

  The son said, 'That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38
 days?' 

  The mother answered, 'Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled
 with food if you should call.'

  

  8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a
 part in the play. 

  She asks, 'What part is it?' 

  The boy says, 'I play the part of the Jewish husband. ' 

  The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell the teacher you want a
 speaking part.'

  

  9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? 

       A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

  

  10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light
 bulb? 

        A:(Sigh) 'Don't ! bother.
 I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.'

  

  11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we
 won, let's eat.

  

  12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on
 the street and said, 'Lady I haven't eaten in three days.' 

  'Force yourself,' she replied.

  

  13. Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? 

         A: Eventually, the Rottweiler
 lets go.

  

  14. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised? 

         A: Because Jewish women don 't like anything that isn't 20% off.  


 

Comments

( 18 comments — Leave a comment )
goddamnitbabies
Jan. 13th, 2009 07:59 pm (UTC)
<--is a racist now
that was so great. :)
jellomarx
Jan. 13th, 2009 08:03 pm (UTC)
Re: <--is a racist now
When I was a kid, we would always go to the Catskills. Totie Fields, Hennie Youngman, Shecky Greene etc...would all play there. This was the type of humor.
xforge
Jan. 13th, 2009 08:09 pm (UTC)
The very soul of American wit.

I love #11 especially.

jellomarx
Jan. 13th, 2009 08:17 pm (UTC)
Do you think that I should send this to woopflying?
countfroggy
Jan. 13th, 2009 08:44 pm (UTC)
I think he is not ready for high humor. Most of these would fly right over his woop.
xforge
Jan. 13th, 2009 08:49 pm (UTC)
This.

= )

xforge
Jan. 13th, 2009 08:49 pm (UTC)
Oh yes, definitely.
gushgush
Jan. 13th, 2009 08:54 pm (UTC)
I used to go to hotels like Brickman's, Kutcher's, The Raleigh, The Concord, et al and see similar comedians. One who you haven't mentioned was Morty Gunty(sp), he never really made it big nationally, but he was a regular in the Borscht Belt.
jellomarx
Jan. 13th, 2009 08:59 pm (UTC)
It's great stuff.
lux_angelis
Jan. 13th, 2009 10:51 pm (UTC)
Number 7 sounds just like my great-aunt, lol.
jellomarx
Jan. 14th, 2009 12:47 am (UTC)
You see what you miss by growing up on the west coast. The Catskills had these wonderful comedians.
lux_angelis
Jan. 14th, 2009 03:24 am (UTC)
About that...I was born in Virginia, lived in Mississippi for nearly 8 years, then Florida for 6 before moving to Seattle in 2002, then Spokane in 2007. So there. :P

Have you listened to Eddie Izzard?
jellomarx
Jan. 14th, 2009 04:13 am (UTC)
I'm only teasing you.

I've heard of him, but I'm not too familiar with him.

My favorite stand up now is Steven Wright.
lux_angelis
Jan. 14th, 2009 05:43 am (UTC)
My parents weren't good at staying in one place. They passed it on to me, I really look forward to my next move--this time with Dallin. :) Hopefully to New Mexico.

You really should watch him. He's a genius. Not a very attractive transvestite, but hilarious.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fi7Y6MFWns

I don't know Steven Wright, I'll have to Youtube him.
luckycee
Jan. 14th, 2009 12:21 am (UTC)
Ba dum BUM...

This one's my favorite:

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
jellomarx
Jan. 14th, 2009 12:45 am (UTC)
I like that one too.
cathy_edgett
Jan. 14th, 2009 03:55 am (UTC)
These are great! :)

Thank you!!
growingoldest
Jan. 14th, 2009 04:48 pm (UTC)
Alright, alright...so we sit down in Egypt. You bring these very funny jokes. We invite a coupla guys over, say, Amos Gilad and Nizzar Rayyan. We eat, we drink, we tell jokes, we poke fun at ourselves, we poke fun at each other. It's all over. No more cemetary visits. Call it a date?
( 18 comments — Leave a comment )

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