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Rush and Anne in the Garden of Eden

Before creating plants or animals, God forms Rush "from the dust of the ground...and man became a living being." God sees what he has done and creates the figleaf.

God sets the man in the Garden of Eden and permits him to eat of all the fruit within it, except that of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, "for in the day that you eat of it you shall die." And man says unto God, “That’s two things that I have no use for, fruit and knowledge.”

God makes "every beast of the field and every bird of the air, ... and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name ... but for the man there was not found a helper fit for him." Yet man insisted upon restricting immigration into the Garden of Eden.

God causes the man to sleep, by giving him a prescription drug, and makes a woman from one of his ribs, and the man awakes and names his companion Woman, "because she was taken out of Man." Man is very upset with God, because he had saved that rib for his breakfast.

"And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed." Disgusted, but not ashamed.

The serpent tells the woman that she will not die if she eats the fruit of the tree: "When you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." And maybe we can get you a job on Fox News.

So the woman eats and gives to the man who also eats. "Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves aprons." Man continues to eat, Woman purges herself of the food.

God curses the serpent: "upon your belly you shall go, and dust you shall eat all the days of your life;" the woman he punishes with pain in childbirth and with subordination to man: "your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you;" and the man he punishes with a life of toil: "In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread till you return to the ground." The man names his wife Anne, "because she was the mother of all living". And man, woman and serpent all blamed Obama, and God had not yet created him.

"Behold", says God, "the man has become like one of us, knowing good and evil," and expels the couple from Eden, "lest he put forth his hand and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever." The gate of Eden is sealed by a cherub and a flaming sword "to guard the way to the tree of life." And the man and the woman would never again be blessed with knowledge.

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
qilora
Mar. 11th, 2009 10:14 pm (UTC)
o_O


are you *trying* to make me have nightmares????

- Chavah.
jellomarx
Mar. 11th, 2009 10:22 pm (UTC)
The Gospel according to the Neocons.
cathy_edgett
Mar. 12th, 2009 04:40 am (UTC)
You are creative!! :)
(Deleted comment)
wastingmythyme
Mar. 13th, 2009 12:46 am (UTC)
Just read this and I am so impressed by your writing. Besides that, I'm cracking up here. It's quite good. This is the best post I've seen from you in a while.Much too good for the main characters you write about. I could see Olberman or Maddow quoting parts on their shows.
jellomarx
Mar. 13th, 2009 01:14 am (UTC)
Thank you. Every so often I try to break out of a slump by satirizing the Bible.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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