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Circumcision the Sign of the Covenant

Circumcision the Sign of the Covenant
1 And when Abram was ninety years old and nine, the LORD appeared to Abram, and said unto him, I am the Almighty God; walk before me, and be thou perfect. And Abram said, “Great, now that I’m 90, you’re going to make me perfect. Where were you when I was 30?”
2 And I will make my covenant between me and thee, and will multiply thee exceedingly.
“Terrific, what’s left of me to multiply? No teeth, No hair. I’d settle if you didn’t subtract so much.”
3 And Abram fell on his face: and God talked with him, saying,
4 As for me, behold, my covenant is with thee, and thou shalt be a father of many nations.
“Not a chance, they don’t invent Viagra for 4000 years!”
5 Neither shall thy name any more be called Abram, but thy name shall be Abraham; 10 for a father of many nations have I made thee. “This is what you’ve got me out of bed for.”
6 And I will make thee exceeding fruitful, and I will make nations of thee, and kings shall come out of thee. “I’d settle for not dribbling so much.”
7 And I will establish my covenant between me and thee and thy seed after thee in their generations, for an everlasting covenant, to be a God unto thee and to thy seed after thee. ‘I won’t sign anything without my Lawyer’s approval.”
8 And I will give unto thee, and to thy seed after thee, the land wherein thou art a stranger, all the land of Canaan, for an everlasting possession; and I will be their God. “So you’re saying, ‘someday, all of this will be yours.’ Please try to remember that.”
9 ¶ And God said unto Abraham, Thou shalt keep my covenant therefore, thou, and thy seed after thee in their generations. “Alright already, what do you want from me?”
10 This is my covenant, which ye shall keep, between me and you and thy seed after thee; Every man child among you shall be circumcised. “SAY WHAT!”
11 And ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin; and it shall be a token of the covenant betwixt me and you. ‘I don’t think so. Did you see the size of the schmeckle that you gave to me. Now you want me to cut off some of it.”
12 And he that is eight days old shall be circumcised among you, every man child in your generations, he that is born in the house, or bought with money of any stranger, which is not of thy seed. “Wouldn’t you rather have some Halvah?”
13 He that is born in thy house, and he that is bought with thy money, must needs be circumcised: and my covenant shall be in your flesh for an everlasting covenant. “Ok, I’ll throw in a whitefish.”
14 And the uncircumcised man child whose flesh of his foreskin is not circumcised, that soul shall be cut off from his people; he hath broken my covenant. “So, he gets the Shikses?”
15 ¶ And God said unto Abraham, As for Sarai thy wife, thou shalt not call her name Sarai, but Sarah 11 shall her name be. “I can’t wait to see what she has to give up.”
16 And I will bless her, and give thee a son also of her: yea, I will bless her, and she shall be a mother of nations; kings of people shall be of her. ”Will he write, will he call?”
17 Then Abraham fell upon his face, and laughed, and said in his heart, Shall a child be born unto him that is a hundred years old? and shall Sarah, that is ninety years old, bear? “So you’re telling me that you want me to cut off the tip and then go to my wife and say the Lord wants us to make nookie? She’ll have me committed.”
18 And Abraham said unto God, O that Ish'ma-el might live before thee!
19 And God said, Sarah thy wife shall bear thee a son indeed; and thou shalt call his name Isaac: and I will establish my covenant with him for an everlasting covenant, and with his seed after him “That’s quite an inheritance, that you have me leave.”.
20 And as for Ish'ma-el, I have heard thee: Behold, I have blessed him, and will make him fruitful, and will multiply him exceedingly; twelve princes shall he beget, and I will make him a great nation. “Does he gets to keep his schmeckie?”
21 But my covenant will I establish with Isaac, which Sarah shall bear unto thee at this set time in the next year.
22 ¶ And he left off talking with him, and God went up from Abraham.”How an I going to explain this to Sarah?”
23 And Abraham took Ish'ma-el his son, and all that were born in his house, and all that were bought with his money, every male among the men of Abraham's house; and circumcised the flesh of their foreskin in the selfsame day, as God had said unto him. And Ish’ma-el said, “Payback will be a bitch.”
24 And Abraham was ninety years old and nine, when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin.
25 And Ish'ma-el his son was thirteen years old, when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin.
26 In the selfsame day was Abraham circumcised, and Ish'ma-el his son.
27 And all the men of his house, born in the house, and bought with money of the stranger, were circumcised with him. This was long before Unions.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
wastingmythyme
Mar. 18th, 2009 09:08 pm (UTC)
Alas, you have schmeckle on the brain. ,
jellomarx
Mar. 18th, 2009 09:18 pm (UTC)
Can you imagine what his reaction was?
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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