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At 17

This was written for a creative writing class, that I've been taking. I had to write a letter to an advice columnist as a 17 year old girl. Now the only think that I know about 17 year old girls, is 42 years ago, they wouldn't date me.

“Submitted for your approval, a 59 year old male lawyer, has a song stuck in his head, That song is Janis Ian's ‘At 17.’”

“M**************, that 59 year old, male Lawyer has just reached his life's ambition as he has become a ‘depressed teenage girl,’ in The Twilight Zone.”

“Oh Shit!, Why does 6:00 AM come so early. Man I have to pee!!’

As he walks into the bathroom, he will soon notice the change that has taken place in the Twilight Zone.

“What the ****!!, it’s going down my leg. Wait a minute, something is missing!”

He looks down, but sees nothing, which was not unusual, since his middle-aged gut often formed an eclipse over his male sexual organ. He looks in the mirror.

“What are those? Ok, I must be still asleep, but this dream is getting pretty good, those aren’t bad. I’ll just play with there for a while, until I awaken.”

Two days later, having met his Twilight Zone family and getting bored of the aforementioned activity, she comes to the conclusion that if she must live this way, she need some advice. She has determined that she is approximately 17, ergo (not realizing that her vocabulary still was that of a Curmudgeon male Attorney), she sits to write a letter to an advice columnist.

Dear Sir or Madam:
What I am seeking you advise about is rather unusual. It seems that just a few days ago, I had a metamorphosis from an Aging Male Attorney to a Lovely young lady…”

Suddenly she realizes that this may not be the way a 17 year-old girl spoke. So he must remember the language of a 17 year old girl, words come to mind, “Cool”, “Hip,” “Groovy.”

“Wait a moment. What year is this. Judging from all of those around me, it’s not 1974, but 2016. I must speak like a teenager would in 2016. And she’ll never believe that metamorphosis bullshit. What do I write her for, I know, I make this an exercise in how to adapt to my new world, and I will use that argument that I heard between my sister and father yesterday?”

So this nearly sexagenarian Attorney, with no knowledge of how a 17 year old girl speaks in 2016 having gone to the internet to find the slang used by teenagers in 2016, continues on her voyage through the Twilight Zone, by sending what she believes is a letter of a typical 17 year old.
My dad is so totally unfair!! I wanted to change the spelling of my name. So I requestioned him. I think that it would be so dope to have a new name. So, he gives me that stupid answer he always gives, “When you leave my house, you can do as you please, but as long as you live under my roof, you live by my rules.”

OMG, who talks that way? Everyone in my squad has done it. $u$$ane did it, and she is my BFF, so did R@nd1 I don’t care what he says, from now on, I am Bequi3. Then he asks that stupid question, “ If your friends jumped off of the George Washington Bridge, would you?” Of course I would, they are my mains.

Mom says, that, “this is a phase” and “I will grow out of it” and that she “did silly things’ when she was young. NOT!!! SMH. Parents can be total Derps sometimes.

OMG, I almost forgot, they won’t let me go out with K3v1n, because they found the selfie that he sent me, in his boxers. I am so totes in love with him. Maybe they will change their minds when I tell them that he is my guy, we are in a ship, and agreed to only hook-up with me, Su$$ane and R@ndi. What do you think? After all, I have to share with my BFFs.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
ygrii_blop
Feb. 14th, 2016 10:46 pm (UTC)
It's funny how time changes everything. Thirty-one years ago I found 17-year-old girls unbearably sexy. Now I think they're just stupid children.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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