The United Nations
While Iran is considering Israel's offer to assist in the launching of their President into space and Saudi Arabia is inventing a new beheading machine, the United Nations was debating elevating third world nations to second world nations.
On Februay 11, 2016, at the meeting of the General Assembly of the United Nations yesterday, the Ambassador, from Swaziland, who represented the Third World Treaty Organization (TWTO), demanded that the United Nations pass a resolution dictating that, “in the absence of a True and Distinct Second World, we should now be referred to as Second World nations, and that Israel should be sanctioned.”
Speaking in his native Swazi, Ambassador Obunda, addressed the Secretary General by stating, “the surviving delegates of last month’s meeting of the Third World Treaty Organization, demand that since the collapse of the former Soviet Union, there are really just a first and a third world. What’s the second? I don’t know.”
The Ambassador, spoke of the indignities of being classified as “third world”. “America, where we meet today, is a first world country. Last week I crossed the river to meet some of your countrymen in New Jersey. I had never been to New Jersey before. To me that was a fourth world country. We demand a raise.”
The was plenty of dissention from within the organization, there was significant disagreement among the nations of the TWTO about the official language the resolution would be written in. Abdul Mohammad Joseph, the Ambassador from Lebanon, confirmed the speculation, explaining that “at first we couldn’t reach a majority. Then it occurred to me that if we eliminated two countries, we would have a majority. So we beheaded the delegates from Vanuatu and Uganda. "
The General Assembly’s vote did not appear to be a close one, due to the ever-popular language of sanctioning Israel. The Russian Ambassador, Sergei Fairenov, addressed the General Assembly by saying, “The Russian People are proud to now be a first world nation, and welcome the nations of the former third world into the second world.
The team of representatives from various countries engaged in a heated debate for close to five hours. The Polish ambassador, Lech Kowalski, addressed the General Assembly using the vitriolic language that has come to characterize his appointment. “The hubris that was demonstrated today will be taken into consideration when my country votes. To go from Third World to Second World you must demonstrate more than a missing world.”
The usually sedate General Assembly has had sporadic moments of violence. The Mexican Ambassador was shot and wounded when he tried to cross into the American Ambassador’s space. Paper airplanes, which were aimed for the Afghan delegation, landed instead on the Pakistani delegation.
Finally at 7 P.M EST the American Ambassador, Susan Rice, stood to cast her vote for the United States. “As a permanent member of the United Nations Security Council The United States intends to exercise its veto power.”
The Great Republican Compromise of 2015
In late 2015, in a rare gesture of compromise, Republican Congressman Daniel Issa proposed “The GOP are the Latinos Best Friend, Omnibus Legislation.” In this surprise gesture, the Republican leaders of the House of Representatives agreed to be more open to the issue of permanent residency for undocumented aliens, conditioned that the applicants leave the country and promise never to return.
Representative Issa speaking for the Republican Caucus announced the compromise on December 24, 2015, “In the spirit of the season, we are proposing what we feel is a fair compromise.”
“For today and tomorrow, in the spirit of Christmas, there will be a moratorium on deportation of illegal immigrants, unless they are caught. Starting on December 26, 2015 at 12:01 AM, anybody who is here illegally may stay, as long as they first leave and never come back.”
Donald Trump, who at that time was developing seemingly insurmountable lead over the other 204 other candidates running for the Republican nomination for President, embraced the legislation. “My opponents use words like Xenophobic to describe me. I am realistic and fair, and until today I haven’t heard a proposal that was equally ‘realistic and fair.’” At that moment Trump cut the press conference off, and said any questions may be asked of him at his campaign office, at The Trump Castle, later that day, when he will be elsewhere.
Issa, who also refused to answer any questions, presented in an oral or written format, stated that there will be “no compromise on the issue of ‘anchor babies.’ All children of undocumented aliens will be allowed to remain up to and including the day that they are born. However, they must learn that American citizenship is not without obligation. They may only be allowed to stay if by the date of their birth they have satisfied the following four conditions: 1) They can prove that they’ve had at least 24 months of gainful, tax paying employment in the USA; 2) They complete the written application; 3) The can speak and read English; 4) They have already left the country. No Applications will be reviewed from unborn undocumented aliens who are still here.”
“Once they are born they will have no greater rights than their parents.”
The legislation passed the House of Representatives with little opposition. In the Senate, Senator Ted Cruz of Texas added an amendment to the legislation. “Any person who at any time has ever entered the United States without proper documentation, will forever forfeit the rights of citizenship.”
This legislation was passed by the Senate with enough votes to override the expected Presidential veto by President Obama. It was then sent back to the House where the Amended bill passed.
The Republicans had another hurdle, could this legislation pass the Supreme Court.
In a secret meeting, aired on Fox News, the Republican leadership revealed its plans to change the court. The parties present were Former Governor Rick Perry of Texas, Speaker of the House John Boehner, former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, former representative Michelle Bachman of Minnesota and Sean Hannity, and, of course, Donald Trump.
So on December 27, 2015, the nefarious plan was revealed on live television.
WE SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO THE MAYANS OR MAYBE THE AZTECS OR WAS IT THE INCAS.
In the middle of all these strange events it was revealed that the Mayans had predicted the end of the world. People panicked, after all, how often had you known the Mayans to be wrong. Oh, there was that time that they predicted the 1962 Mets to will the World Series. But, that had been written off to that famous Mayan Sense of humor.
What wasn't revealed was the translation of the contemporaneous Aztec revelation. On a wall of a cave in an Aztec Community outside of Cleveland was Aztec writing, along with a picture of Dogs playing poker. The writing was finally translated, in July 2016, by the only known person still fluent in Aztec, Dr. Stephen Daly, JD, PHD, DD, BS of the online College for Aztech studies, which said, "All Mayans are full of shit. Only Aztecs know when the world will end, and we are not telling"
This coupled with the Aztec unquestioned credibility, having predicted the breakup of The Beatles, in that famous Aztec prediction "Moptops break up due to tome deaf wives."
Had the Aztec prediction been known, would Trump have succeeded in convincing the electorate that only he can save the world? Would Israel have conveniently forgotten to leave those bread crumbs that they had promised to leave? Would the Bay City Rollers have reunited?
I doubt it.
ISRAEL PROPOSES NEW ALLIANCE.
In December, 2011, in the spirit of international cooperation, Israel offered to assist Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in his wish to be launched into space. “We will stretch our arms out across Jordan and Iraq, and help President Ahmadinejad fulfill his dream. Oy, it will be such a pleasure!” stated Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, while offering the Iranian leader fully operational rockets, which have the capability of launching Ahmadinejad into space.
In a country where it is often said that the opposition “can’t even agree upon lunch,” there has been unprecedented support of Prime Minister Netanyahu’s proposal. Opposition leaders were singing and dancing as they unanimously agreed on the offer. “You should only know how long it’s been that I wanted to put a rocket under this man’s Tuckus,” added Israeli Knesset member Shaul Mofaz.
There has been no word from the Iranians about the Israeli proposal, but Israeli leaders have indicated that they’d be happy to surprise their new friend and drop the rockets off in Tehran. “They shouldn’t worry that they didn’t get us anything. This is just our present to them,” a grinning Mr. Mofaz stated.
Chief Israeli rocket scientist Moshe Rabinowitz told a news conference today that the Israelis have developed a unique and inexpensive form of rocket fuel. “We make it from the leftover horseradish and Gefilte fish from Passover. That stuff can get anything going, it certainly works for me.”
This could lead to a new and unexpected spirit of cooperation between Israel and the Arab nations. It is rumored that if this rocket works, Israel will willingly donate rockets to all of the other Arab nations.
When asked if they had considered all of the contingencies to get the Iranian leader home, Mr. Netanyahu said, “The Schlemiel can find his own way home. We’ll leave breadcrumbs.”
PROTESTS COMMENCE IN MIDDLE EASTERN COUNTRIES.
In Egypt, Syria and even Saudi Arabia Citizens began to protest. The Saudi Arabian government has come under attack from its citizens for taking eight whole years to behead a convicted woman,. Numerous eye-witnesses accounts describe unruly mobs shouting, “Off with her head,” “Death to the United States” and “Let’s go, Mets,” following the announcement of the long-anticipated beheading of a Saudi Arabian woman.
Laila Hafiz was sentenced to death by beheading in 2008 after her Saudi employer accused her of cutting off his own head. The man’s completely uncorroborated, seemingly impossible claim was accepted by Saudi court as bulletproof evidence when he said, “An eye for an eye, a head for a head,” although Miss Hafiz claimed innocence by pointing to her accuser’s full, unharmed head from which he was speaking. Despite this witch-like trickery, it took almost eight years for the death sentence come to realization, irking many in the Saudi general public who have cried out for justice.
“The new regulations, which limit the defendant’s rights at trial, were supposed to speed up the beheading process,” said Saudi spokesman Said Habib Ishmael. “We don’t allow them witnesses, they serve as their own lawyer – though they cannot technically speak at trial – and they have the right to appeal, but we don’t really tell them how. I’m really sorry this is taking so long. I thought this thing was in the bag – and by ‘thing’ I mean this woman’s head.”
This resulted in an unexpected electronics revolution in Saudi Arabia. The Saudis, in their desire to have taken steps to speed up the beheading process in the future. After decapitating the former minister of beheadings, the royal family commissioned Saudi Engineers, to develop the automatic Behead-O-Tron 5000 machine. This machine is now considered state of the art in the industry.
We had to do something, because this was taking way too long” said Shahid Jamil, one of the protesters. “By the time my kids get to see it, they’ll be all grown up and then it’s just not as special. The magic’s gone, you know?”
Mr. Jamil went on to say that if the lethal display takes much longer to stage, he risks having to think about the terrible condition of civil liberties in his country.
In an effort to control Movie content Trump Purchases Trump Studios. Hollywood also attempted to change their image, but with disastrous results, with disastrous results. On June 4, 2011, Trump Studios Announced that it was about to commence a production a biopic on the life of GOD.
They intended to have Mel Gibson direct the picture, but a Trump Executive, hired the wrong Mel. Having already spent close to $100,000,000.00 in preproduction, Universal decided to go ahead with this epic, directed by Mel Brooks.
Books said in a press release “I have no intention of embarrassing Trump. The Movie will be an epic, because I will play God. After all who else is old enough? It’s going to be done through the eyes of God’s interviewer, who will be played by Carl (Reiner). We will find out if the Earth was really created in six days, or did God take that rumored vacation to The Fontainebleau in Miami Beach after the fifth day? We will see God advising Noah about building an Ark, ‘No, No use the good glue. That crazy stuff.’ We will see God dancing at Jesus’s Bar Mitzvah. "
The original thoughts of was to have Mel Gibson write and direct the film. But rumor has it that, Trump, not fully understanding the ways of Hollywood, was tricked into mistakenly hiring Brooks
When reached for comment, Gibson said, “We had an oral contract. This is clearly not the Mel that he wanted. My Lawyers are meeting with Mr. Trump’ Lawyers to review the situation, and to check if there is any way that we can correct this egregious error. I was expecting to make piece full of floods, famine, war and pestilence, then I see the script. He’s got God dancing something called the Hora at a Jewish wedding. Everyone knows that the Jews had nothing to do with God.
When reached for comment, Brooks said, “I’m not too worried. I’m the only one old enough to have known God as a boy. I spoke to him, and this is what he wants.”
The film starring Sid Caesar as Methuselah, Gene Wilder as Noah, Nathan Lane as Onan, Matthew Broderick as Jesus and featuring Cloris Leachman as God’s sister, “Auntie Christ," was a blockbuster overseas, but bombed in the USA, except in New York City.
“TEA PARTY” CONGRESSMEN ANNOUNCE PARENTHOOD AMENDMENT.
Two “Tea Party” Congressman Todd Akin of Missouri and Richard Mourdock , of Indiana on January 5, 2011 called for a Constitutional Amendment stating that life begins at Ejaculation. This amendment would outlaw in vitro fertilization, stem cell research, contraception, masturbation and nighttime emissions. The “Personhood” amendment would define each sperm cell an individual life.
When asked about the practicality of banning nighttime emissions or “wet dreams” Representative Akin said “If his thoughts are pure, the male body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”
Representative Mourdock, said that he thought long about the issue of Masturbation, and finally concluded that, “Because God killed Onan for ‘spilling his seed,’ we must follow God's example."
Protests rang out from many sources. Playboy magazine founder, Hugh Hefner, stated that “it is clearly a violation of the right to privacy.” Philip Roth, author of “Portnoy’s Complaint” stated that “this will have a deleterious effect on the sale of liver.”
Presidential Candidate, Rick Santorum, supporting the amendment, stated “Is it wiggling a tail. If it is, ergo, it is life.”
THE CANADIAN IMMIGRATION PROBLEM.
The Canadian Immigration problem did not start in 2016. Liberals fearing that “The times they were a changing” began to flock to Canada in 2010. The overwhelming victory by the Republicans in the midterm elections, of that year, set into motion a series of events nobody could have predicted. It started with an unusual and unforeseen immigration problem for United States’ neighbors to the north, Canada. On November 10, 2010 the border police gave out a warning about “a flood of American liberals seen sneaking across the border into Canada“, which sparked calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
Most reliable sources believe that the Republican landslide prompted an exodus among left-leaning citizens who feared that they would soon be required to “hold down a job, hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O’Reilly.
Canadian border farmers noted that dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossed their fields last night. “I went out to milk the cows yesterday, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red Nesterenko, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. “He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I gave him some fresh warm goat milk he tossed his cookies and left. Didn’t even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Nesterenko erected higher fences today, failing to stop the liberals who dug under them. Mr. Nesterenko also tried installing speakers that blast Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still got through but many were crying as they ran through the corn fields.”
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. “A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a drop of bottled water and wearing sandals. They did have a nice little ‘Napa Valley cabernet’, though,” he added.
It has been reported that the few liberals who got caught were sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about that if there is a Republican Majority, they will establish re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves from airplanes, deny evolution, and actually work for a living. According to well-informed sources, “liberals need so much job training that it is cheaper to just put them in a motel and provide room service.”
Reports of liberals have coming up with ingenious ways of crossing the border, faced with uncertain future in the US. Many Liberal started posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Red Skelton and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the ’50s. “If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age,” an official said.
Canadian citizens have reportedly complained that these illegal immigrants are “creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies”.
”I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “But, how many lawyers, art-history and English majors does one country need? “She added.
In the Beginning
I believe that this “revolution” began on July 6, 2010 at a jointly held press conference, Donald Trump and Rupert Murdoch announced that they would be organizing “The Million, Billionaires March on Washington.”
After selling their list of demands to the reporters present, Trump spoke up, “There is no ‘affirmative action’ for billionaires. I went to vote, I couldn’t even get a cocktail with it. Furthermore, they only let me vote once. I own over 200 corporations in the United States and those corporations are people too. Had we gotten to vote only once for every corporation that we own, the results of the 2008 Election would have been quite different.”
“I don’t see why poorer people should vote at all,” Murdoch interjected. “Eventually we’ll let the voting right trickle down to them.”
“This will be unlike your traditional march, because we won’t actually be marching. We will hire proxies to march for us and furthermore there aren’t a million billionaires, there are only about four hundred of us, and Gates, Buffett and Bloomberg have refused to join us. So far we expect to have the proxies for The Koch Brothers, Sheldon Adelson and Mitt Romney, of course,” stated Trump.
There is growing support in The House of Representatives for legislation that would give aid to billionaires. “This won’t cost us one cent,” stated Representative, Eric Cantor, “All that we have to do is extend the Bush-era tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent, reduce school lunch programs, and it will work. I don’t want to bore you with the math.”
Later that day the controversial “aid to billionaires” language was earmarked onto a bill guaranteeing all injured veterans one meal per day, which had been stalled in committee for two years.
On October 20, 2010, a relatively peaceful march took place on the Mall. The Marchers consisted of mostly minimum wage workers, who, it was later learned, were paid less than the minimum wage to be the proxies for the Billionaires. The one exception was Baseball Star, Alex Rodriguez.
It was believed that Rodriguez appeared in an attempt to fix his tarnished image after it had recently been revealed that his Contract was modeled after farm subsidies legislation. Just as a farmer, may be paid by the Government not to grow a particular vegetable, Rodriguez was paid by the New York Yankees, not to hit in the post season.
The Trump White House
“ALL PERSONS BORN OR NATURALIZED IN THE UNITED STATES”
Two questions occur to me “will I ever be allowed home again? And “Do I want to go home?”
I am eighty years old, living in my Toronto home. In my adopted country, which I moved to in order to avoid being deported from the only Country that I had ever lived in, The United States. Several million others were deported, including a former President, were forced to leave when the 29th Amendment to the Constitution, known as “The Cruz Amendment,” was ratified. The once controversial Amendment, grew exponentially in popularity, with the election of Donald Trump as President of the United States in 2016.
This amendment, which removed nine words from the 14th Amendment changed America from a “melting pot” to an “exclusive golf course.” The amendment which simply read “The Fourteenth Amendment to this Constitution, shall from this day forward, be amended to omit the word, ‘All persons born or naturalized in the United States’” was ratified on April 18, 2017.
Let me give you some background. In 2017, I had just turned 60 years old. President Donald Trump, fulfilling his promise to rid the country of all illegal aliens, had many of us arrested. I was born in New York City. I never missed an election since I became eligible to vote in 1973. Yet suddenly, I was jailed, my citizenship revoked and threatened with deportation. So like many other children of immigrants, I crossed the northern border and found a new home.
How could this have happened? It seemed that my Maternal Great Grandfather in 1896, didn’t spell his name the same way that it was spelled at Ellis Island, this combined with the 29th Amendment to the Constitution made me an illegal Alien. Suddenly I was without a home. I grew up in Queens, the most ethnically diverse county in the country, maybe even the world. Why?
In 2015, the Country was looking for a quick fix, and along came Donald Trump. A man with a severe case of Xenophobia. It was a familiar pattern, but we didn’t connect it. A loud, xenophobic egotist who blames another ethnic group for our problems and has an unusually large percentage of the population following him like lemmings.
I remember the quote of Hilary Clinton, in late 2015. She didn’t realize that the microphone was on and she told a group of people, that “the election will be a slam dunk, if the Republican are stupid enough to nominate Trump.” She was wrong and although it was a tight race, Ohio, Pennsylvania and Florida surprising went for Trump, setting into effect, what would later be classified as a "Revolution."
Then one evening INS came and said that I was going to be deported, but to where? My roots are Polish, Russian and Romanian, but I’ve never been to these places. So along with 10 other Jewish Lawyers, we cramped ourselves into the backseat of an Audi, Convertible, carefully hiding ourselves from the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and arrived in Ontario.