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The Coach

 Athletes are often known for their colorful statements.  Below is a fictional Press Conference made up of real quotes.  Please note that only the nouns were change in some of the quotes, to make it sound more realistic.
Reporter: Coach, what did you think of the game?
Coach:   I  have nothing to say, and I'll only say it once.   It is beyond my apprehension.   We've been working on the basics because, basically, we've been having trouble with the basics. 
Reporter: Coach, what happened?  You started the season so well.
Coach: Well, that was a cliff-dweller.  The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games.
Reporter: What do you think is the best and the worst attributes of the team, right now.
Coach:  Our strength is that we don't have any weaknesses. Our weakness is that we don't have any real strengths.
Reporter: Your next game is against Detroit.  What are you’re thoughts on the Minutemen?
Do you think that you can stop Smith?  He’s rumored to be ambidextrous.
Coach:  We're not afraid of challenges. It's like we always say: if you want to go out in the rain, be prepared to get burned.  Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win.  The Minutemen are not tall in terms of height. 
Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand. 
Reporter: There have been rumors about your health.  You look tired.  Would you care to clear up those rumors?
Coach: We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads.  Well, I used to look like this when I was young and now I still do.  
Reporter: There are rumors that your job is not secure.  Care to comment and how will you catch the teams above you?
Coach:  There comes a time in every man's life and I've had many of them.  These people haven't seen the last of my face. If I go down, I'm going down standing up.  The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.
Reporter: Coach Jones just surpassed your record.  In his press conference he called you a genius, do you care to comment?
Coach:  Congratulations on breaking my record. I always thought the record would stand until it was broken.   The word "genius" isn't applicable in basketball. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
Reporter: You let Robinson miss this game to go to a funeral.  Do you think that was a mistake?
Coach: Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. 
Reporter: One last question.  You’ve had a contentious history with reporters.  Why do you think that that is the case?
Coach:  Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean.  Most of my cliches aren't original.


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Jan. 12th, 2009 02:44 pm (UTC)
Unbelievable!! I am smiling!!

I love that the season was a cliff-dweller. What an image. :)

Coach: Our strength is that we don't have any weaknesses. Our weakness is that we don't have any real strengths.

Well, that covers it. :)

Thanks for the laughs!
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )



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