jellomarx (jellomarx) wrote,

The Three Stooges (circa 2009)

 If they were to remake the Three Stooges today, It would be Limbaugh, Hannity and O'Reilly.  With that in mind I took a short Three Stooges script and adapted it to the modern stooges.   It looses something without the visual.

Announcer: Ha, ha, ha. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's The Three Stooges. For mirth and madness.
Rush: Hello my friends, I'm Rush.
Announcer: Simple and screwy.
Sean: Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk, I'm Sean.
Announcer: Looney and ludicrous.
Bill: I'm Bill.
Announcer: Yes. The Three Stooges are fine gentlemen and great Americans. When comes to business, they know what’s good for America.                                                               
The music continues in the back ground as the camera pans down a glass door with writing covering everything the Stooges can do, and all of it spelled wrong.
Inside, Rush is working on something.
Rush: Hey, egghead! I'm ready to dictate!
After a second, Bill appears, looking very joyful, like a flirting secretary.
Bill: Yes, sir?
Rush:(He smacks Bill, forcing him off the table.) Get away from here. What's the matter with you!? Are you an idiot? An imbecile? A moron? (Bill laughs a bit.) What are you laughing at?
Bill: Eight to five, I'm in there someplace.
Rush: (He smacks Bill again, this time, grabbing a fistful of hair.) C'mon. Get over there and straighten up the files. (Now referring to Sean.) Hey plastic-head! Come here. Do you think you can take a letter?
Sean: I don't think I know.
Rush: I don't think you know either but go ahead. (There is a brief pause.) "Dear, Sir," (Suddenly, Sean starts typing out about 25 characters onto the letter.) What do you got so far?
Sean: How do you spell "Sir"? (Rush thrusts his middle and index finger into Sean's eyes.)
Rush: In your case, C-U-R. Continue. (Sean types as Rush talks.) "We are receipt of your letter of the 16th and reply..." (Sean tries to adjust the typewriter, but sends the entire roller into Rush's cranium with a clunk.) OHW! (Rush covers his head then yanks Sean up by his hair.) Remind me to send your head to the cleaners with the rest of the flatwork! (He slaps Sean.) Get outta.
Sean: Ah. I'll fill it with ink. That's what I'll do.
(Suddenly, there is knocking at the door. Sean looks up, the ink jar in his hand.)
Rush: (Singing in rising tone) Come iiiiin!
Bill: (Same as Rush) Come iiiiin!
Sean: (Same as Bill) Come iiiiin!
(In steps Anne Coulter, dressed in a miniskirt.)
Coulter: Pardon me, gentlemen.
Rush: (He looks behind himself, them back at Coulter.) Oh! Yes?
Coulter: I'm Mr. Coulter. Are you gentlemen Great Americans and Chrisitans?
Bill: Are we Great Americans and Christians?
Rush: Are we Great Americans and Christians?
Sean: Are we?
(Rush stamps on his foot, causing Sean to splash the ink well he was holding onto Coulter's skirt.)
Coulter: Why you clumsy fools!
Rush: Oh, we're so sorry.
Coulter: My clothes are full of ink!
Rush; Oh, we'll fix that in a jiffy. Bill! (He runs off. Rush then grabs a brush and begins brushing of Coulter, only to spread the ink.) Take it easy, that a nice way to cab-a-dini.
Coulter: Be careful with it.
Bill: Alright, standby. (Bill then tosses a whole jug of white liquid onto Coulter.)
Coulter: What is that?
Bill: Ink Remover.
Coulter: Ink Remo... But look at this!
Rush: Aw, we'll have that off in a jiffy. You don't need that pocket anyhow. (To Sean.) Go ahead
Sean: Why certainly. (He rips a piece of the skirt clean off and tosses it aside.)
Coulter: My best skirt! And look at my blouse!
(Sean and Rush lock eyes, nodding to each other before Sean tears the front of Coulter's blouse off. She follows with a slap to Sean's face as he turns back around.)
Rush: (Shoves Sean aside.) Now, wait a minute, Vulture.
Coulter: Coulter!
Rush: Do you realize you just struck one of the toughest men from the state of... (The Stooges clap the "Here in the Heart of Texas" chorus.)...Texas! (He looks back at Sean, then shoves him forward. ) Go ahead, tell 'em, Tex.
Sean: (Acting like a cowboy.) Now, lookie here, neighbor... (Coulter slaps him again, ruffling his hair.)
Rush: (Shoves Sean aside again.) Now, wait a minute there, Vulture.
Coulter: (With her hands now on her hips.) Coulter!
Rush: You have again sullied the fair name of the state of...(They clap the chorus again.)...Texas. (Back at Sean again.) Order her off the premises!
Sean: (Acting tough) You heard what I told you bef...(He is stopped by a slap again.)
Rush: Hut! (With those words, Sean head-butts Coulter. As he doubles up, Bill grabs the back of his blouse, throws it over her head, spins him around and Sean kicks Coulter out. As she crashes into some unknown objects outside, the audience claps and Bill closes the door.)
Bill: A Bull's-Eye! (He shakes Sean's hand.)
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