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Tiny at the Bat

The trainer was ready for the Mudville nine that day:
The shortstop stood five foot two, with all the power of Say Hey,
and then when Palmero tested positive and A-Rod did the same,
The reporters started looking, for someone new to blame.

The tiny shortstop shot himself in the butt again that day. The crest
upon his baseball jersey bulged upon his unnatural breast;
He thought, "Since I met this trainer, I wield a mighty bat--
I’ll sign for the big money now, by virtue of my stat."

But Clemens lied in front of Congress, and Sosa claimed, “me no partake,”
And Roger was incredible, while Sammy lack of English was a fake;
And yet the tiny shortstop, who could no longer wear his hat,
Never gave a second thought to the chance that he would go splat.

But as players grew to enormous size, that made Killebrew look small,
The owners looked the other way, as hallowed records fall;
And suddenly it hit the fan, the numbers were absurd,
But the tiny shortshop didn’t care about the acne that it spurred.

Then one day his turn came, he’d give a sample as well;
As he tried to go, he noticed that his scrotum looked like hell;
He urinated in the jar, and figured that that was that,
For Tiny, mighty Tiny, was setting records with the bat.

There was a lumbering in Tiny's stride as his heart began to race;
As he passed the bathroom mirror he saw no resemblance to his face.
And when, ignoring all the kids, he’d never stop to chat,
For who were they to talk to him , he was Tiny at the bat.

But that day he tested positive, his fans were deeply hurt;
The NY Post reporter wrote, “He’s nothing but a squirt.”
Years from now the Hall of Fame will decide his name to skip,
Cause Tiny off of Steroids was no bigger than a microchip.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 8th, 2009 03:46 am (UTC)
Your writing is clever as usual and it is a sad subject and tough for me to understand.
Apr. 8th, 2009 08:34 pm (UTC)
Great post!
Apr. 11th, 2009 12:35 pm (UTC)
Earnest Lawrence Thayer here. How dare you update my poem for the 21st century? What in God's name is a steroid? You must have created the concept sir! Men urinating in cups? Why, we all know that men only spit in cups unless they're in their cups and then they must be pardoned.

So, I must reiterate. No man of decency and athletic prowess would ever partake of a drug to change performance. The game is too noble, the players of too high integrity, the audience of too great a faith to be disabused. You, sir, are a fraud and a myth maker.

Retract your accusations, sir, or I'll contact Mr. Steinbrenner and he'll open a can of whoop ass on your nether parts.

With no regrets,
Earnest Lawrence Thayer
Apr. 11th, 2009 01:16 pm (UTC)
I must say that I've never experienced a "whoop ass on my nether parts."

I guess that I haven't lived.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )



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