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Is the Bible right?

The religious right would have us believe that the Bible is gospel. I’m not a particularly religous person, therefore I can’t speak with intelligence without researching the issue, listed below are some of the more bizarre incidents from the Bible taken from a Listserve call “Top 10 Bizarre Biblical Stories: http://listverse.com/2008/01/31/top-10-bizarre-biblical-tales/

1. Found in: 4 Kings 2:23-24

Elijah, of Passover fame had male pattern baldness. (I like him already). One day he was minding his own business, making the long walk to Bethel, when he is attacked by a roving band of children who tease him with names like “bald head.” But Elijah was having none of this, he turns round and curses them in the name of the Lord, and instantly two female bears emerge from a nearby wood and maul all 42 children to death.

This sounds like the kind of story that would warm the heart of Dick Cheney.

2. Genesis 38:8-10

Onanism, or as Woody Allen put it “Sex with someone I love.” God kills Er. Er’s father, Judah, has given Onan to have sex with your dead brother’s wife. Onan is doesn’t particularly like the idea, but agrees to go through with this bizarre scheme to create a ‘true heir’ to Er. He begins to have sex with the girl, but at the last minute decides to pull out and spill “his seed upon the ground.” God is so irked he decides to kill Onan too, and thus nobody gets an heir. This story is the basis for the Christian condemnation of masturbation and birth control.

To Paraphrase Mel Brooks, “Instead of being fruitful and multiplying, he was fruitless and subtracted.”

3. Judges 19:22-30

A man and his concubine are wandering the streets when they decide to seek shelter for the night, and find a man kind enough to let them stay. That night however, a group of men turn up at the door and demand to see the guest so that they may have sex with him. (They must have been the ancestors of today’s Senate). The owner is unwilling to let his male lodger be raped and so offers up his virgin daughter instead. (Nice Father). However, this is still not good enough for the men, so the owner offers them his guest’s concubine and the men accept. The men brutally rape the woman and leave her on the doorstep where she bleeds to death. If that is not enough, when she is found by her husband, he chops her up into twelve pieces which he sends to each of the twelve tribes of Israel.

4. 1 Kings 18:25-27

The things we do for love, David desperately wants to marry Saul’s daughter Michal and offers Saul anything he wants to let him marry her. What could Saul possibly want? Money? A vow of love? No. Saul wants foreskins. 100 to be exact. Saul was famous for his foreskin collection, David can’t find a Moyle, so he goes out and kills 200 men, and collects their foreskins. It’s only then he remembers that he only needs 100 foreskins. Saul is doubly impressed with David and hands over his daughter.

Obviously David, being Jewish, therefore the only beanie he wore was on his head, had to go outside of his tribe.

Now can you believe that the world is only 6,000 years old?

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
cathy_edgett
Jul. 27th, 2009 03:39 am (UTC)
Absolutely! 6000 years. Who could doubt it?

Amazingly enough, it began on my birth day, which makes it even more great.

"The Almighty began his labors on October 23, 4004 B.C.", which is obviously a great date. :)
luckycee
Jul. 28th, 2009 12:24 am (UTC)
Great role models, eh?
jellomarx
Jul. 28th, 2009 12:31 am (UTC)
I understand Elijah's actions. If I lost my hair ( I haven't lost it, I know exactly where it is. Its in a drain and behind the bed). I too would be sensitive.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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