July 4th, 2008

The Suspension of Realtorality

 "Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

The great words of Emma Lazarus.  It occurs to me when reading these words on this auspicious day, that nowhere does it say 'Give us your Realtors."    Do you think that Ms. Lazarus omitted this wretched group on purpose?

This group of Bohemians, whose sole talent is to walk into a house, which they've never seen before, and say, "this is the kitchen," actually think that they are serving a role in society.

Now clearly many of you are now thinking,  "his hypocrisy knows no bounds!"    I acknowledge that in this case it is true.   I have amassed my "small fortune" by the referrals of these Willy Loman's of real Estate.

Yesterday an irate client called me asking why I didn't tell him that the other Attorney had rejected the contingency clause that we requested in the contract.  Why did he have to hear it from the Realtor, when the other Attorney told my secretary?  There are at least three problems with this statement. (1)  The other Attorney was out of town; (2)  I no longer have a secretary; (3)  When the other Attorney returned, he agreed on the clause.

This is not an isolated incident.  Approximately once a week,  I get a call from a client complaining that per this paragon of veracity,  I was the reason for the delay in the deal.   I then have to explain to my client that they first have to find a house before they can close.

I can't tell you why,  these charlatans in stretch pants and bad toupees feel it necessary to lie.  Maybe it's the logical extension of the old Woody Allen joke,  "Those who can't do,teach.  Those who can't teach, teach Gym,.  Those who can't teach Gym, sell Real Estate."

(no subject)

The date October 28, 2020
The place: The White House
The Event:  The Enactment of the 40th Amendment to the Constitution,  making Slatspeak the official language of the United States.   I'm Anderson Cooper

The Amendment reads as follows:  There shall be no other language recognized as the language of the people of the United States besides Slatspeak.   Any official communication of the United States Government shall be in Slatspeak.

It's a fairly simple amendment and surprisingly not too controversial.  For the official description of Slatspeak we go to White House Correspondent Brittany Spears.   Brittany can you hear us?

Oh My God, like yes,  Slatspeak is like, you know, the language of my peeps.   It takes the coolest parts of slang and combines it with the most fantabulous parts of netspeak.

Brittany, what are schools going to  about textbooks.

Anderson, be cool, we haven't used textbooks in a gazillion years. All you need to know is like in Wikepedia.

But Brittany, Wikepedia has been known to be wrong.  There was that controversy last year, where it was printed in Wikepedia that Abraham Lincoln played for the Knicks.

Didn't he?  Like who cares, that was just snark to chase off the trolls.

President Rosie O'Donnell is running for reelection.  Could this be a political move on her part to gain the vote of those under 40.

Dunno,  but didn't you just love the way she called Ivanka Trump a lurker in the last debate.  She so totally has my vote.

What about the economy.  Isn't reprinting all of the signs on the interstate highways so their in Slatspeak, going to be a drain on the economy.

LOL,  who cares about the economy,  this is our time now.  Like bye.

Thank you Brittany for that enlightening report.