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dysfunctional lols

For my first 50 years I lived a simple life. As a Lawyer, I had filled my quota of 6 friends. You see, I am a registered Democrat, and the New York State Bar clearly prohibits Attorney with that political affiliation from having in excess of 6 friends. Why was it even necessary to enact such a regulation? Has anybody ever known a Lawyer to have as many as six people who admit that they like him? Of course, the Republican Lawyers are allowed 8 friends, because at least two, are at all times, in danger of being filibustered out.

My problems began at age 50, this aging curmudgeon, suddenly found unrequited popularity. Why at age 50 did I suddenly become popular? One day, when 4 of my 6 friends were golfing (required activity for aging, fat Attorneys), and the others, I never particularly liked, but they served to fill my quota, I discovered social media. To be exact, Facebook.

Suddenly I had 300 friends, all of whom have “adorable” cats. I had 400 friends, but 100 Republicans filibustered me out when I refused to repeat the mantra, “Ann Coulter is my ideal woman.”

I am now a “friend” of the guy who beat me up for my Tuna Fish sandwich in 1963. I am friends with the High School Basketball team, who all are reliving the one game that they in 1979. I am friends with my twelfth grade English teacher, who I still haven’t forgiven for making me read Siddhartha.

On top of the potential disciplinary problems resulting from the New York State Bar Grievance Committee, for the excess friends (they also claim to have evidence that directly implicates me in an incident where a tag was removed from a mattress), I find that I am suffering from a dysfunctional LOLs. I know that I am not alone many men suffer from the embarrassment of a premature LOL.

My wife has long claimed that my habitual premature LOL shows a lack of consideration of her needs. To be fair, as often as I prematurely LOL, she will fake an LOL. She has the temerity to claim that every woman, at one time, has faked an LoL. Well they never faked them with me! To be perfectly frank, I don’t think that she ever forgave me for the time, that she caught me self-LOLing. I swear that I was thinking of her the whole time.

I came across a study out of the Boise Institute that concluded that the typical male will LOL within the 2 minutes of a text, but the typical woman needs that man to last for at least an hour, especially when describing her day.

I have explained to her that I don’t do it on purpose and that I LOL so quickly because I love her so much.

Anyway, who is she to talk, after all of her fake LOLs. I asked my friend Bernie, you know, the guy who beat me for my Tuna Sandwich, if any woman had faked and LOL with him. Bernie of course said no, but he’d ask his cellmate, Tiny if any woman faked an LOL with him, but it will have to wait until Tiny is released from solitary confinement.



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