jellomarx (jellomarx) wrote,



I graduated from Law School in 1982. I had my lofty ambitions. I would be the modern equivalent of Clarence Darrow, and argue science in the courts over fantasy.

But like many young Attorneys, who didn’t finish Number One in their class, jobs were not easy to find, so after a series of “dead end” jobs, I hung my shingle.



Just like that my dream had ended. I would represent the locals, when they purchased a home, drove too quickly or needed a will. I would never become Clarence Darrow, but it was an honest living. I wasn’t rich, but my family wasn’t wanting for anything, and I was an honest lawyer, and everyone who knew me, knew that they could trust me.

Having my practice in a small town in upstate New York, I knew my clientele, and they knew me.I was well respected in the community. Although I never would object to being called Harvey, everybody called me, Mr. Shapiro. You can understand why I was so shocked the day that this very kindly little old man came into my office.

“Yes sir, may I help you?” I asked. He was silent for a few minutes. “Sir, would you have a seat, I have some coffee brewing.”

Finally, the gentleman spoke, “I’m sorry, it was just such an unusual question. Nobody ever offers to help me; they always want my help.”

“Then I am thrilled to be the first.” I said in a sincere manner, for there was something, an aura about this gentleman that demanded sincerity. “How can I be of service? Please tell me your name.”

He seemed to ignore my question, and said “I haven’t any money.”

I had always believed that an attorney should donate a considerable amount of his or her time to the needy, therefore this statement did not upset me. “Let’s talk, I’m not opposed to working pro bono, if

you qualify. Please tell me your name, and your age.” I don’t usually ask ages upfront, but there was something unusual about this man. He looked spry, and if I had to guess, I would say that he was about 85, but I wouldn’t have been shocked if he was older.

The little man spoke in a fatherly tone, but not at all condescending. “You really don’t know who I am. I’m God.”

At that moment, presented with this client, a good deal of lawyers would have thrown him out or tried to get him committed, but delusional or not, I liked this man. He came to see me about his will. He had heard so much about “God’s Will,” that he thought that it would be the prudent thing to see a Lawyer.

I didn’t believe that he was whom he claimed to be. I wondered why a man who couldn’t afford a Lawyer, needed a will, but he intrigued me, so we spoke that entire afternoon, and he told me the most incredible tale.

It claimed that he had been offered a “Golden Parachute,” in what might be considered a “hostile takeover,” of Heaven.” Ever since he had let Nixon in, Heaven was not the same. “I always felt as if I was being watched.” So a few years ago God had made plans to leave, he decided to take Heaven public.

“It may have been my worst mistake since Herbert Hoover. I am God, I could stop this at any time, but honestly, I’ve been known for getting a little overzealous, and maybe I’ve interfered too much. There was that tower and the flood.”

“Also, sometimes I didn’t think that I had that much forethought. Take this guy Onan, I now look back and say, ‘If he wanted to spill his seed on the ground, and it isn’t my carpeting, who cares.’”

“You seem like a nice man, let me give you some advice, this fellow, who wants to take over, isn’t the nicest guy. There is talk of restricting immigration into heaven. Carry clothes for all eventualities. Those that always have thought that they were the chosen, would really question my motives, by selling. But it’s nothing personal. Nobody was ever chosen I treated everyone equally.”

“Funny story, I mentioned this fellow Nixon. Did you know him?”

I responded. “I know of him; he wasn’t my favorite.”

“You’re a good judge of character. As I was saying, one day he was asking Irving Berlin to teach him how to play ‘God Bless America,’ on the Piano, when as a joke I decided to bless some other country. I believe that it was Djibouti. He was so angry, such language. I had to remind him that I could revoke his Visa at any time.”

“But, I’m tired now. I’ve worked 6 days a week for 5775 years I need a vacation. My son says that I should visit my sister in the south, but she and I never got along. He is in to this forgiveness and turning the other cheek stuff. I think that that will go the way of the Hula Hoop, a new trend. I give it another 1000 years, and nobody will remember.”

“So the world really is 5775 years old?” I was beginning to question my skepticism about this man’s true Identity.

“No, I was just checking to see if you were paying attention. Let me tell you something about the Bible, it’s a good book, but mostly fiction. Personally, I like Huckleberry Finn. Did you ever read that? I can get you an autographed copy.”

“Take the story of the Tower of Babel. Yeah, I went too far, but I had my reasons. Remember they were building this tower to reach me. If they wanted to visit they should have at least brought a strudel. Who comes empty handed to see God. So I gave them a few languages. Look how they’ve butchered those. Take English for example. What is the purpose of the world ‘literally’? Everybody says. ‘I literally did this.’ Does that mean when he doesn’t use the word, he’s lying?”

“I love language. I had my friend Roget, give you folks a Thesaurus. Kid’s today think that it is the name of a dinosaur.”

But, I am tired and I never minded helping those who helped themselves, but maybe it’s time that that I stop helping those who don’t help themselves.”

The man’s wealth of knowledge was incredible, as was his sense of humor. We had things in common.

He noticed the autographed picture of Yogi Berra on my wall, “Nice man, I don’t understand anything he says, but he’s a nice fellow. I love Baseball, but it isn’t the same as it once was. All these players thanking me, after every hit. As everybody knows, I am a Yankee fan, but I stopped interfering in the outcomes of the games in 1964. If they had told me that they were going to sell to Steinbrenner, I may have continued interfering.”

"Speaking about Baseball, Mantle told me this great joke the other day. Stop me if you've heard it. "Do you know why there are so few Jewish Ballplayers? Because it is impossible to make the symbol of a

'Star of David,' across your chest with one hand, so they either have to drop the bat, or konk themselves, on the head."

"That reminds me, I have got to take that slingshot away from David, he is always flinging pebbles at Michelangelo, yelling, 'You son of a bitch, size does count!'"

"Who is this man?” I thought. If he was God, he didn't need my convincing, he loved the job too, much. He had already decided to block the takeover of Heaven.

“You've mentioned Nixon and Mantle, frankly I am surprised that they are in heaven." I stated.

For the first time all afternoon, God looked angry, "Don't judge anybody! That is my job" But, the anger was momentary, there would be no plagues upon my home. God had evolved from the days of the Old Testament.

"What do you think that you are so perfect? Remember that young lady in Toledo?"

"If I disallowed all sinners, it would just be me and Gandhi. You try looking at a bald man in his underwear all day, see how you like it."

It was getting dark, I knew that he'd have to leave soon, I figured that I should get back to "God's Will."

"You mentioned your son earlier, is that who you want to leave all of your assets to?"

"I'm not sure. He's a nice boy, but he never calls, he never writes. I'm taking a short vacation, go south for the weather, maybe even visit my sister, I'll call you when I get back."

"God, I've read a lot about you, but until today, I've never heard that you had a sister."

"I'm sure that you have, she commonly goes by her nickname, 'Auntie Christ.'"
Tags: david, gandhi, herbert hoover, irving berlin, michelangelo, mickey mantle, onan, richard nixon, toledo, yogi berra

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