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Jello In the Land of OZ

The wind was viciously blowing, even for Queens Boulevard, the Boulevard of Death. Nonetheless, I had to take a bicycle ride. I had just found my Schwinn Orange Krate.

I hadn’t seen it in years. I know that a man of 51 years old, 6' 2" tall and 240 plus pounds, looks absurd on a children’s bicycle, but I couldn’t resist. I was angry and needed a release. I had just finished listening to Anne Coulter spew her venom on the radio. Why do I listen to that garbage.

The wind kept getting worse and worse, I had to get home. Suddenly a giant gust took me over the Kennedy Building and I landed in a magical land that I’d never seen before. Wait, My God, I’ve hit someone. Oh No! I’ve landed on the Wicked Witch of the Far Right, Anne Coulter, herself! I know that I’ve got to get out before her cohort, the Big Fat Warlock of the Far Right comes flying in on his industrialized vacuum cleaner seeking revenge.

I hear voices. They’re singing.

We represent the ACLU


And in the name of the ACLU

We welcome you to fantasy land!

They advise me to go see the great Guru of Chappaqua. Only he will know how to get me home and out of the clutches of the Big Fat Warlock of the far right.

So I hop on the Whitestone Expressway. Somehow, my Schwinn is still intact, boy were those made well! Shortly before the bridge, I see a man in a Paul Stuart Suit, with golden cufflinks on his monogrammed suit.

Jello: You’re obviously a lawyer. So why do you look so happy.

Lawyer: I’m one of the lucky ones. The law school forgot to give me any ethics.

Jello: I’m going to see the Guru of Chappaqua, maybe he can give you some ethics.

Lawyer: You’re kidding aren’t you?

Jello: Naive as it may sound, it’s part of the script.

The lawyer sensing a possible personal injury suit, after all, a Schwinn on the Whitestone Bridge, agrees to come along.

As we get to the toll booth, we see a man in tattered clothes. Because I realize where this story is going, and that it won’t work without three companions, I decide to talk to him.

Jello: Are you a hippy?

Hippy: I once was, but now I’m a liberal who has lost his idealism!

Jello: Well that’s been known to happen. Look at Ed Koch and Dennis Miller. Why did it happen to you?

Hippy: I made a big windfall in the market.

Jello: This fellows is an unethical Lawyer. I’m sure he’ll gladly find a way to impoverish you.

Hippy: That’s alright, I’m not that upset!

Jello: We’re off to see the Great Guru of Chappagua, maybe he can give you back your idealism. But I have to warn you, we’re being followed by the Big Fat Warlock of the Far Right.

Hippy: Do you think that he can help me.

Jello: Just by asking that question, I see that you haven’t lost all your naivety!

As we come to the Stadium (I know we went the long way) we see the largest man that I’ve ever seen, wearing a Yankee Uniform with Number 22 on the back. My God, It’s Roger Clemens. Obviously he was born without a plausible alibi.

Jello: Roger, did you take Steroids or HGH?

Roger: They were vitamins!

Jello: Roger, nobody gets bigger and stronger in their forties. Look at you, your 8 feet tall!

Roger: They were vitamins!

So Roger came with us to get a plausible alibi!

As we ride up the Major Deegan, we hear on the radio the Big Fat Warlock of the Far Right:

My friends, the liberals have again attacked without

provocation our comrade Anne Coulter. All Dittoheads

must unite!

Is he kidding? Maybe he should have joined us for some veracity!

Finally we’ve reached the gates of the land of Clinton. Can he give us what we crave? Save us from the Big Fat Wicked Warlock of the Far Right! Give the Lawyer Ethics! Give the Hippy back his idealism! Give Roger a plausible alibi!

We’re granted an audience. A familiar voice from behind the curtain wants to know why he should grant his wishes. I can’t speak for Roger and the Lawyer, but both the Hippy and I voted for you twice. And I know if she gets the nomination, I'm going to vote for Hillary.

Strange noises are coming from behind the curtain. My God! He’s not alone! Monica is with him!

In the end none of our wishes were granted, except maybe the Guru’s wishes!




( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Jan. 5th, 2008 06:37 pm (UTC)
Great ideas! We should have written this together.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )



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