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Citizen Jello


In the year 2056, they wondered what Jello’s last words meant. Was it the nickname of an ex-girlfriend? He did date some strange women. He wasn’t a betting man so clearly it wasn’t a horse. It wasn’t his nickname, nobody ever remembered him going down to Kentucky. Who was Louisville Slugger?

They all assembled in the news room. Their assignment ...Who was Louisville Slugger? Jello had been a man of mystery. No Booze, few women, no drugs. It’s amazing that anyone cares about his story. Why am I writing it? Why are you reading it? Who am I talking to?

Not much was known about Jello, prior to the age of 51, when he was taken from his legal practice and thrust into the world of writing. He tried acting. Who can forget those memorable appearances as the title characters in A Streetcar Named Desire and A Tree Grows in Brooklyn.

I spoke with his widow. She had no idea who Louisville Slugger was. But she did steer us away from the wrong direction. "It clearly wasn’t a cleansing implement. That man never cleaned anything! I’d look in that pile of Time Magazines for your answer. He ordered them, never finished reading them and wouldn’t allow them to be thrown out. Look at the top one that’s how far he got." The cover on the issue said: Elvis Dead!

I spoke with his friend, accountant and longtime confidant. After waiting hours for him to show up, I realized that he had nothing useful to say. He just kept quoting his favorite philosophers, Thoreau, Emerson and George Carlin.

I spoke wit his longtime business partner. He said that he hadn’t spoken to him in 45 years. There was no falling out, Jello just did all the talking.

What was this great mystery, we may never know. All his belongings were sent to the incinerator. Clothes in Twelve different sizes, A Schwinn Orange Krate, 70 years worth of Time Magazines, A baseball bat, a pair of Groucho Marx nose and Glasses. All junk, all pieces of the puzzle, but no Louisville Slugger.



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