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I graduated from Law School in 1982. I had my lofty ambitions. I would be the modern equivalent of Clarence Darrow, and argue science in the courts over fantasy.

But like many young Attorneys, who didn’t finish Number One in their class, jobs were not easy to find, so after a series of “dead end” jobs, I hung my shingle.



Just like that my dream had ended. I would represent the locals, when they purchased a home, drove too quickly or needed a will. I would never become Clarence Darrow, but it was an honest living. I wasn’t rich, but my family wasn’t wanting for anything, and I was an honest lawyer, and everyone who knew me, knew that they could trust me.

Having my practice in a small town in upstate New York, I knew my clientele, and they knew me.I was well respected in the community. Although I never would object to being called Harvey, everybody called me, Mr. Shapiro. You can understand why I was so shocked the day that this very kindly little old man came into my office.

“Yes sir, may I help you?” I asked. He was silent for a few minutes. “Sir, would you have a seat, I have some coffee brewing.”

Finally, the gentleman spoke, “I’m sorry, it was just such an unusual question. Nobody ever offers to help me; they always want my help.”

“Then I am thrilled to be the first.” I said in a sincere manner, for there was something, an aura about this gentleman that demanded sincerity. “How can I be of service? Please tell me your name.”

He seemed to ignore my question, and said “I haven’t any money.”

I had always believed that an attorney should donate a considerable amount of his or her time to the needy, therefore this statement did not upset me. “Let’s talk, I’m not opposed to working pro bono, if

you qualify. Please tell me your name, and your age.” I don’t usually ask ages upfront, but there was something unusual about this man. He looked spry, and if I had to guess, I would say that he was about 85, but I wouldn’t have been shocked if he was older.

The little man spoke in a fatherly tone, but not at all condescending. “You really don’t know who I am. I’m God.”

At that moment, presented with this client, a good deal of lawyers would have thrown him out or tried to get him committed, but delusional or not, I liked this man. He came to see me about his will. He had heard so much about “God’s Will,” that he thought that it would be the prudent thing to see a Lawyer.

I didn’t believe that he was whom he claimed to be. I wondered why a man who couldn’t afford a Lawyer, needed a will, but he intrigued me, so we spoke that entire afternoon, and he told me the most incredible tale.

It claimed that he had been offered a “Golden Parachute,” in what might be considered a “hostile takeover,” of Heaven.” Ever since he had let Nixon in, Heaven was not the same. “I always felt as if I was being watched.” So a few years ago God had made plans to leave, he decided to take Heaven public.

“It may have been my worst mistake since Herbert Hoover. I am God, I could stop this at any time, but honestly, I’ve been known for getting a little overzealous, and maybe I’ve interfered too much. There was that tower and the flood.”

“Also, sometimes I didn’t think that I had that much forethought. Take this guy Onan, I now look back and say, ‘If he wanted to spill his seed on the ground, and it isn’t my carpeting, who cares.’”

“You seem like a nice man, let me give you some advice, this fellow, who wants to take over, isn’t the nicest guy. There is talk of restricting immigration into heaven. Carry clothes for all eventualities. Those that always have thought that they were the chosen, would really question my motives, by selling. But it’s nothing personal. Nobody was ever chosen I treated everyone equally.”

“Funny story, I mentioned this fellow Nixon. Did you know him?”

I responded. “I know of him; he wasn’t my favorite.”

“You’re a good judge of character. As I was saying, one day he was asking Irving Berlin to teach him how to play ‘God Bless America,’ on the Piano, when as a joke I decided to bless some other country. I believe that it was Djibouti. He was so angry, such language. I had to remind him that I could revoke his Visa at any time.”

“But, I’m tired now. I’ve worked 6 days a week for 5775 years I need a vacation. My son says that I should visit my sister in the south, but she and I never got along. He is in to this forgiveness and turning the other cheek stuff. I think that that will go the way of the Hula Hoop, a new trend. I give it another 1000 years, and nobody will remember.”

“So the world really is 5775 years old?” I was beginning to question my skepticism about this man’s true Identity.

“No, I was just checking to see if you were paying attention. Let me tell you something about the Bible, it’s a good book, but mostly fiction. Personally, I like Huckleberry Finn. Did you ever read that? I can get you an autographed copy.”

“Take the story of the Tower of Babel. Yeah, I went too far, but I had my reasons. Remember they were building this tower to reach me. If they wanted to visit they should have at least brought a strudel. Who comes empty handed to see God. So I gave them a few languages. Look how they’ve butchered those. Take English for example. What is the purpose of the world ‘literally’? Everybody says. ‘I literally did this.’ Does that mean when he doesn’t use the word, he’s lying?”

“I love language. I had my friend Roget, give you folks a Thesaurus. Kid’s today think that it is the name of a dinosaur.”

But, I am tired and I never minded helping those who helped themselves, but maybe it’s time that that I stop helping those who don’t help themselves.”

The man’s wealth of knowledge was incredible, as was his sense of humor. We had things in common.

He noticed the autographed picture of Yogi Berra on my wall, “Nice man, I don’t understand anything he says, but he’s a nice fellow. I love Baseball, but it isn’t the same as it once was. All these players thanking me, after every hit. As everybody knows, I am a Yankee fan, but I stopped interfering in the outcomes of the games in 1964. If they had told me that they were going to sell to Steinbrenner, I may have continued interfering.”

"Speaking about Baseball, Mantle told me this great joke the other day. Stop me if you've heard it. "Do you know why there are so few Jewish Ballplayers? Because it is impossible to make the symbol of a

'Star of David,' across your chest with one hand, so they either have to drop the bat, or konk themselves, on the head."

"That reminds me, I have got to take that slingshot away from David, he is always flinging pebbles at Michelangelo, yelling, 'You son of a bitch, size does count!'"

"Who is this man?” I thought. If he was God, he didn't need my convincing, he loved the job too, much. He had already decided to block the takeover of Heaven.

“You've mentioned Nixon and Mantle, frankly I am surprised that they are in heaven." I stated.

For the first time all afternoon, God looked angry, "Don't judge anybody! That is my job" But, the anger was momentary, there would be no plagues upon my home. God had evolved from the days of the Old Testament.

"What do you think that you are so perfect? Remember that young lady in Toledo?"

"If I disallowed all sinners, it would just be me and Gandhi. You try looking at a bald man in his underwear all day, see how you like it."

It was getting dark, I knew that he'd have to leave soon, I figured that I should get back to "God's Will."

"You mentioned your son earlier, is that who you want to leave all of your assets to?"

"I'm not sure. He's a nice boy, but he never calls, he never writes. I'm taking a short vacation, go south for the weather, maybe even visit my sister, I'll call you when I get back."

"God, I've read a lot about you, but until today, I've never heard that you had a sister."

"I'm sure that you have, she commonly goes by her nickname, 'Auntie Christ.'"

dysfunctional lols

For my first 50 years I lived a simple life. As a Lawyer, I had filled my quota of 6 friends. You see, I am a registered Democrat, and the New York State Bar clearly prohibits Attorney with that political affiliation from having in excess of 6 friends. Why was it even necessary to enact such a regulation? Has anybody ever known a Lawyer to have as many as six people who admit that they like him? Of course, the Republican Lawyers are allowed 8 friends, because at least two, are at all times, in danger of being filibustered out.

My problems began at age 50, this aging curmudgeon, suddenly found unrequited popularity. Why at age 50 did I suddenly become popular? One day, when 4 of my 6 friends were golfing (required activity for aging, fat Attorneys), and the others, I never particularly liked, but they served to fill my quota, I discovered social media. To be exact, Facebook.

Suddenly I had 300 friends, all of whom have “adorable” cats. I had 400 friends, but 100 Republicans filibustered me out when I refused to repeat the mantra, “Ann Coulter is my ideal woman.”

I am now a “friend” of the guy who beat me up for my Tuna Fish sandwich in 1963. I am friends with the High School Basketball team, who all are reliving the one game that they in 1979. I am friends with my twelfth grade English teacher, who I still haven’t forgiven for making me read Siddhartha.

On top of the potential disciplinary problems resulting from the New York State Bar Grievance Committee, for the excess friends (they also claim to have evidence that directly implicates me in an incident where a tag was removed from a mattress), I find that I am suffering from a dysfunctional LOLs. I know that I am not alone many men suffer from the embarrassment of a premature LOL.

My wife has long claimed that my habitual premature LOL shows a lack of consideration of her needs. To be fair, as often as I prematurely LOL, she will fake an LOL. She has the temerity to claim that every woman, at one time, has faked an LoL. Well they never faked them with me! To be perfectly frank, I don’t think that she ever forgave me for the time, that she caught me self-LOLing. I swear that I was thinking of her the whole time.

I came across a study out of the Boise Institute that concluded that the typical male will LOL within the 2 minutes of a text, but the typical woman needs that man to last for at least an hour, especially when describing her day.

I have explained to her that I don’t do it on purpose and that I LOL so quickly because I love her so much.

Anyway, who is she to talk, after all of her fake LOLs. I asked my friend Bernie, you know, the guy who beat me for my Tuna Sandwich, if any woman had faked and LOL with him. Bernie of course said no, but he’d ask his cellmate, Tiny if any woman faked an LOL with him, but it will have to wait until Tiny is released from solitary confinement.

The Great Thesaurus Rex

Come hither and hear my story of creature on the. sad path to its extinction.
This is more than a mere pity, caused it lived its life with great distinction.
This mighty creature was quite heavy, with an outer shell of leather.
But as it evolved, with the leather gone, it was light as a feather.
With the leather went the spine, but never faded in its brilliance....
More recently as their and they're merged into there, it lost much of its resilience.
It taught us sounds that sound the same, but meanings were contrary.
It taught us sounds that mean the same, from the shelves of our library.
But in a world of shortened language, where to and too are for.
We need this creature far more now, than we ever did before.
It made us all quite erudite, but never seem pedantic.
We could give you synonyms for words like truculent and sycophantic.
This was a friend, but like old friendships it may soon sadly fade away.
But like funerals and end of schools, oh how I loathe that day.
Mighty creatures walked this earth called Raptors and Triceratops.
And to give this creature, a name like those, well that clearly was a paradox
But the name might just have been some odd prognostication
For I fear that future generations will suffer because of its cessation.
So just like the mighty Stegosaurus is this creature next?
Of course you know that I speak of, the great Thesaurus Rex.

See More

Chapter 12

Just Give me some of that Old Time Religion

People flocked to the new world for among other reasons the right to worship how they chose.  That concept has gradually eroded, until it was all but forgotten.  In a the final Republican Debate on July 25, 2016, former Senator from Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum,  whose campaign, at that time, was virtually dead proposed what ultimately would become the 30th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States.   

In the debate held on July 25, 2016, in Tulsa, Oklahoma, when asked if he felt that the United States was basically a "Christian Nation,"   by the Reverend Pat Robertson,  Senator Santorum answered, "No, we are not a Christian nation.  However, we are a God Fearing nation, based upon  Christian beliefs.   The Constitution guarantees the freedom of religion, but strictly construed and based upon the our forefathers intentions, religion does not include, Atheism, Agnosticism nor any of these primitive religions that don't think like us."

When asked, by Reverend Robertson if he would support any legislation that would codify that, he responded with an enthusiastic, "absolutely!"

The audience stood and applauded.  Santorum immediately climbed shot up to second among Republicans in the polls.  There  wasn't enough time left for him to catch up to Trump, in the polls, but he did secure himself the Vice Presidential nomination.

It seemed that as many people who embraced Santorum, despised him.  Throughout the country Muslims, Hindus, Jews, Atheists, Agnostics and Red Sox Fans protested.  Many of these protests became violent.

For Rosh Hashanah that year, my wife, sensing the terrible changes going on suggested that we attend services.  I am Jewish by birth and tradition, but Agnostic by belief.  I hadn't attended services for the high holy days since the late 1960s, but when my wife said it, I immediately agreed.

We decided that we would attend these services at Touro Synagogue, in Newport, Rhode Island.  Touro is the oldest Synagogue in the United States.   Rhode Island, is a state founded on religious freedom. In 1790, responding to an invitation to the Temple, George Washington wrote,"

"For happily the Government of the United States gives to bigotry no sanction, to persecution no assistance, requires only that they who live under its protection should demean themselves as good citizens, in giving it on all occasions their effectual support."

As we were leaving the Temple we were pelted with Gefilte Fish and stale bagels, and told to "go back to where we came from."

Our experience, so indicative of what was happening, made all of the major newscasts.   Most journalist spoke of it with horror and fear, but Fox News' personality, Sean Hannity,  condemned the actions, yet somehow managed to praise the participants.

"I can never condemn violence, but this was the action of some very well intentioned, but admittedly overzealous Christians.  As a Christian nation, we should find the forgiveness in our hearts."  

Conservative, radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, was not so accepting.

My friends, this is what I have been warning what would be the long term effects of years of Liberal Policies.   These weren't criminals, yet when the ancient religions, with their antiquated and blasphemous rites, are waived in our faces, ever the best people say '"enough.'"

Chapter 11

The Future of the Black and White Cookie

The Supreme Court of the United States was not exactly non complicit in this "Right Wing Revolution."  In fact, some might say that they played right into the Republican's hands.  The right had a list of Court decisions that they planned to have overturned.  Among those decisions were "Griswold v. Connecticut,"  "Roe v. Wade" and even "Marbury v. Madison." However, the top priority, and a landmark  decision in the history of jurisprudence of the United States, that they wanted to overturn was "Brown v. The Board of Education of Topeka, Kansas."

This was part of their long term goals, not even Trump believed that they could challenge Brown in 2016.  The challenge came from an unlikely source, "The Entemann's Black and White cookie" case.

The court upheld the constitutionality of the Black and White Cookie, under the doctrine of "separate but equal".  The controversial 5 to 4 decision, with the majority opinion written by Justice Clarence Thomas and the descent written by Justice Elena Kagan.

"Separate but equal" was doctrine in U.S. law until its repudiation in the 1954 Supreme Court decision Brown v. Board of Education.  

With is holding for the "Black and White Cookie,"  over the far more inclusive "Rainbow Cookie," the court did away with more than sixty years of civil rights.

Soon after the Malomar cookie, with the black surrounding the white was no longer sold by Nabisco im the United States.

Justice Thomas's decision paraphrased Justice Henry Billings Brown 1896, decision in Plessy vs. Ferguson, "We consider the underlying fallacy of the plaintiff's argument to consist in the assumption that the enforced separation of the two flavors stamps either flavor with a badge of inferiority. If this be so, it is not by reason of anything found in the act, but solely because those who insist the flavors be integrated choose to put that construction upon it."

The descent, emphatically stated, that they will not opine as to the constitutionality of the cookie, but object on the basis of citing Plessy. Justice Kagan, first chastised Justice Thomas for ending a sentence in a preposition. "Just because Justice Billings ended a sentence in a preposition in a bad decision in 1896, Stare decisis does not dictate that you follow suit."

The case also marked the first time in many years that Justice Thomas asked a question during oral argument, when he asked Justice Scalia, "Where is the men's room?"

Justice Ruth Bader Ginburg, in a separate and extremely short descent wrote "Oy Vey iz Mir!!

Chapter 10

The United Nations

While Iran is considering Israel's offer to assist in the launching of their President into space and Saudi Arabia is inventing a new beheading machine, the United Nations was debating elevating third world nations to second world nations.

On Februay 11, 2016, at the meeting of the General Assembly of the United Nations yesterday, the Ambassador, from Swaziland, who represented the Third World Treaty Organization (TWTO), demanded that the United Nations pass a resolution dictating that, “in the absence of a True and Distinct Second World, we should now be referred to as Second World nations, and that Israel should be sanctioned.”

Speaking  in his native Swazi, Ambassador Obunda, addressed the Secretary General by stating, “the surviving delegates of last month’s meeting of the Third World Treaty Organization, demand that since the collapse of the former Soviet Union, there are really just a first and a third world. What’s the second? I don’t know.”

The Ambassador, spoke of the indignities of being classified as “third world”.   “America, where we meet today, is a first world country. Last week I crossed the river to meet some of your countrymen in New Jersey. I had never been to New Jersey before. To me that was a fourth world country. We demand a raise.”

The was plenty of dissention from within the organization, there was significant disagreement among the nations of the TWTO about the official language the resolution would be written in. Abdul Mohammad Joseph, the Ambassador from Lebanon, confirmed the speculation, explaining that “at first we couldn’t reach a majority. Then it occurred to me that if we eliminated two countries, we would have a majority. So we beheaded the delegates from Vanuatu and Uganda. "

The General Assembly’s vote did not appear to be a close one, due to the ever-popular language of sanctioning Israel. The Russian Ambassador, Sergei Fairenov, addressed the General Assembly by saying, “The Russian People are proud to now be a first world nation, and welcome the nations of the former third world into the second world.

The team of representatives from various countries engaged in a heated debate for close to five hours. The Polish ambassador, Lech Kowalski, addressed the General Assembly using the vitriolic language that has come to characterize his appointment. “The hubris that was demonstrated today will be taken into consideration when my country votes. To go from Third World to Second World you must demonstrate more than a missing world.”

The usually sedate General Assembly has had sporadic moments of violence. The Mexican Ambassador was shot and wounded when he tried to cross into the American Ambassador’s space. Paper airplanes, which were aimed for the Afghan delegation, landed instead on the Pakistani delegation.

Finally at 7 P.M EST the American Ambassador, Susan Rice, stood to cast her vote for the United States. “As a permanent member of the United Nations Security Council The United States intends to exercise its veto power.”

Part 2


Chapter Nine

The Great Republican Compromise of 2015

In late 2015, in a rare gesture of compromise, Republican Congressman Daniel Issa proposed “The GOP are the Latinos Best Friend, Omnibus Legislation.”     In this surprise gesture, the Republican leaders of the House of Representatives agreed to be more open to the issue of permanent residency for undocumented aliens, conditioned that the applicants leave the country and promise never to return.   

Representative Issa speaking for the Republican Caucus announced the compromise on December 24, 2015, “In the spirit of the season, we are proposing what we feel is a fair compromise.”

“For today and tomorrow, in the spirit of Christmas, there will be a moratorium on deportation of illegal immigrants, unless they are caught.  Starting on December 26, 2015 at 12:01 AM, anybody who is here illegally may stay, as long as they first leave and never come back.”

         Donald Trump, who at that time was developing seemingly insurmountable lead over the other 204 other candidates running for the Republican nomination for President, embraced the legislation.   “My opponents use words like Xenophobic to describe me.  I am realistic and fair, and until today I haven’t heard a proposal that was equally ‘realistic and fair.’”  At that moment Trump cut the press conference off, and said any questions may be asked of him at his campaign office, at The Trump Castle, later that day, when he will be elsewhere.

Issa, who also refused to answer any questions, presented in an oral or written format, stated that there will be “no compromise on the issue of ‘anchor babies.’  All children of undocumented aliens will be allowed to remain up to and including the day that they are born.  However, they must learn that American citizenship is not without obligation.   They may only be allowed to stay if by the date of their birth they have satisfied the following four conditions: 1) They can prove that they’ve had at least 24 months of gainful, tax paying employment in the USA; 2) They complete the written application; 3) The can speak and read English; 4) They have already left the country.  No Applications will be reviewed from unborn undocumented aliens who are still here.”

“Once they are born they will have no greater rights than their parents.”

The legislation passed the House of Representatives with little opposition.  In the Senate, Senator Ted Cruz of Texas added an amendment to the legislation. “Any person who at any time has ever entered the United States without proper documentation, will forever forfeit the rights of citizenship.”

This legislation was passed by the Senate with enough votes to override the expected Presidential veto by President Obama.  It was then sent back to the House where the Amended bill passed.

The Republicans had another hurdle, could this legislation pass the Supreme Court.

In a secret meeting, aired on Fox News, the Republican leadership revealed its plans to change the court.   The parties present were Former Governor Rick Perry of Texas, Speaker of the House John Boehner, former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, former representative Michelle Bachman of Minnesota and Sean Hannity, and, of course, Donald Trump. 

So on December 27, 2015, the nefarious plan was revealed on live television.



In the middle of all these strange events it was revealed that the Mayans had predicted the end of the world.   People panicked, after all, how often had you known the Mayans to be wrong.    Oh, there was that time that they predicted the 1962 Mets to will the World Series.   But, that had been written off to that famous Mayan Sense of humor.

What wasn't revealed was the translation of the contemporaneous Aztec revelation.  On a wall of a cave in an Aztec Community outside of Cleveland was Aztec writing, along with a picture of Dogs playing poker.  The writing was finally translated, in  July 2016, by the only known person still fluent in Aztec,  Dr. Stephen Daly, JD, PHD, DD, BS  of the online College for Aztech studies, which said, "All Mayans are full of shit.   Only Aztecs know when the world will end, and we are not telling"

This coupled with the Aztec unquestioned credibility, having predicted the breakup of  The Beatles, in that famous Aztec prediction "Moptops break up due to tome deaf wives."

Had the Aztec prediction been known, would Trump have succeeded in convincing the electorate that only he can save the world?  Would Israel have conveniently forgotten to leave those bread crumbs that they had promised to leave?  Would the Bay City Rollers have reunited?

I doubt it.



In December, 2011, in the spirit of international cooperation, Israel offered to assist Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in his wish to be launched into space. “We will stretch our arms out across Jordan and Iraq, and help President Ahmadinejad fulfill his dream. Oy, it will be such a pleasure!” stated Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, while offering the Iranian leader fully operational rockets, which have the capability of launching Ahmadinejad into space.

In a country where it is often said that the opposition “can’t even agree upon lunch,” there has been unprecedented support of Prime Minister Netanyahu’s proposal. Opposition leaders were singing and dancing as they unanimously agreed on the offer. “You should only know how long it’s been that I wanted to put a rocket under this man’s Tuckus,” added Israeli Knesset member Shaul Mofaz.

There has been no word from the Iranians about the Israeli proposal, but Israeli leaders have indicated that they’d be happy to surprise their new friend and drop the rockets off in Tehran. “They shouldn’t worry that they didn’t get us anything. This is just our present to them,” a grinning Mr. Mofaz stated.

Chief Israeli rocket scientist Moshe Rabinowitz told a news conference today that the Israelis have developed a unique and inexpensive form of rocket fuel. “We make it from the leftover horseradish and Gefilte fish from Passover. That stuff can get anything going, it certainly works for me.”

This could lead to a new and unexpected spirit of cooperation between Israel and the Arab nations. It is rumored that if this rocket works, Israel will willingly donate rockets to all of the other Arab nations.

When asked if they had considered all of the contingencies to get the Iranian leader home, Mr. Netanyahu said, “The Schlemiel can find his own way home. We’ll leave breadcrumbs.”



In Egypt, Syria and even Saudi Arabia Citizens began to protest.   The Saudi Arabian government has come under attack from its citizens for taking eight whole years to behead a convicted woman,. Numerous eye-witnesses accounts describe unruly mobs shouting, “Off with her head,” “Death to the United States” and “Let’s go, Mets,” following the announcement of the long-anticipated beheading of a Saudi Arabian woman.

Laila Hafiz was sentenced to death by beheading in 2008 after her Saudi employer accused her of cutting off his own head. The man’s completely uncorroborated, seemingly impossible claim was accepted by Saudi court as bulletproof evidence when he said, “An eye for an eye, a head for a head,” although Miss Hafiz claimed innocence by pointing to her accuser’s full, unharmed head from which he was speaking. Despite this witch-like trickery, it took almost eight years for the death sentence come to realization, irking many in the Saudi general public who have cried out for justice.

“The new regulations, which limit the defendant’s rights at trial, were supposed to speed up the beheading process,” said Saudi spokesman Said Habib Ishmael. “We don’t allow them witnesses, they serve as their own lawyer – though they cannot technically speak at trial – and they have the right to appeal, but we don’t really tell them how. I’m really sorry this is taking so long. I thought this thing was in the bag – and by ‘thing’ I mean this woman’s head.”

This resulted in an unexpected electronics revolution in Saudi Arabia.  The Saudis, in their desire to have taken steps to speed up the beheading process in the future. After decapitating the former minister of beheadings, the royal family commissioned Saudi Engineers, to develop the automatic Behead-O-Tron 5000 machine.  This machine is now considered state of the art in the industry.

We had to do something, because this was taking way too long” said Shahid Jamil, one of the protesters. “By the time my kids get to see it, they’ll be all grown up and then it’s just not as special. The magic’s gone, you know?”

Mr. Jamil went on to say that if the lethal display takes much longer to stage, he risks having to think about the terrible condition of civil liberties in his country.



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